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"Can You Please Focus on the Action?"

This week’s guest writer is Vince Russo, an old friend of mine since 8th grade.  We took a stab at trying to conquer the sports blogosphere a number of years ago with our own website, only to be shut down due to extenuating circumstances.  So I invited him to write a letter for this site, and he accepted.

As you will soon see, if sports were a steak, Vin would order it raw with no sauces or sides.  One of his biggest complaints is how sports are announced these days.  Many announcers have never played the games they cover and often overdo it with their in-game discussions, seemingly promoting themselves more than the sport.

Vin’s letter is to Monday Night Football announcer Tony Kornheiser and New York Yankees announcer Michael Kay, who he feels are two prime offenders of self-promotion and needless chit-chat.

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Dear Mr. Kornheiser & Mr. Kay,

I’ve had it.  I can’t take it anymore.  It’s too much.  Enough is enough.  The two of you have both ruined two things I love: Monday Night Football and the New York Yankees.  You have a problem.  The problem is you talk too much.  I understand that you’re announcers, but you’ve gone way beyond the job description and you don’t know when to quit.

Here’s the problem:  People only care about the game.  They don’t tune in to watch or listen to the announcers.  They tune in to watch the players.  They tune in to watch the game.  When announcers think that they’re a part of the game or that they can somehow play a part in the game they are dead wrong.  We don’t care about you.  We don’t want to listen to personal stories told by you.  We want you to just fill the appropriate caption. 

If a guy grounds out to 2nd, I want you to say, “Ground ball to 2nd base.  Cano throws to Teixeira for the out.”  And then that’s IT!!!  I don’t want to you to follow that up with your opinion about who’s going to win the AL Central or who deserved the MVP last year.  The next word I want to hear out of your mouth is when the next pitch is thrown.  JUST DESCRIBE THE ON-GOING ACTION.  I don’t want a session of Oprah or Dr. Phil taking place during the middle of a baseball game.  Keep quiet.  Let the game speak for itself.

Tony Kornheiser, you are the sole reason why I did not watch one complete MNF game last year.  Not one.  This is coming from one of the biggest football fans in the country.  I’ve been watching football for 30 years.  I was drawing color crayon pictures of the Steelers and Cowboys playing each other in 1st grade.  I remember every play of the Chargers-Dolphins Divisional classic from the Orange Bowl in January of ’82 even though I was a little kid watching on a Saturday by myself.  I don’t think I’ve missed a playoff game ever.  And yet this past season of 2008 I could not stomach watching an entire 4 quarters of MNF with you at the microphone. 

I remember watching the last quarter of Cowboys/Eagles in Dallas, and I watched the Giants/Browns game only because I’m a Giants fan.  And when the Giants laid a stinker that night, I remember tuning out early.  You think you’re the new Howard Cosell, but guess what Tony?  We didn’t like Howard Cosell.  Announcers who think they are bigger than the game have egos that are completely delusional.  I don’t want your awful jokes accompanied by Ron Jaworski’s fake laughs.  I don’t want you announcing that the Cowboys are “The Team Right Now.”  There’s a reason Joe Theismann didn’t like you and it’s the same reason I don’t like you.

You have no place in football.  You’re cocky and arrogant, and yet you’re a wimp. You’ve never played a down of football in your life.  You remind me of Dana Carvey playing George F. Will and having the ball thrown at him on SNL.  You need to drop Monday Night Football, start crying, and run away.

Football announcing doesn’t want or need your snarky arrogance.  We don’t need your “personality”.  You have made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to enjoy the game because your conversation is always distracting me.  And that’s because you talk about anything else BUT the game.  “Centerstage” should be reserved for “Centerstage”.  “PTI” should be reserved for “PTI”.  I don’t want to hear about stories from the past or pontifications for the future.  Just be in the NOW.  Just talk about what’s going on as it happens.  Pretend that you’re a 1950’s Radio Announcer.  Pretend that I can’t see what’s going on.  Just try it.  Just try calling the action instead of being the action.  You’re not going to impress me with who you know or what someone told you.  Heck, I don’t even want to know who’s going to be traded, who you think is going to be traded, or who you’ve been told is going to be traded.  We have SportsCenter and the Internet for that.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.  And the more you talk about things and shed your opinion the more you’re hurting me.

The problem now is that everyone is trying to promote their own careers.  And that becomes a problem when they use their current vocations to do it.  Stop it guys.  Let it go.  Put your gregarious, enthusiastic personalities aside. 

And to take it to a more personally offensive level, I really wish the Washington Post had never hired you Tony Kornheiser.  And I really wish you never parlayed that hiring into an eventual TV gig.  And really the most likely reason ESPN gave you the announcing gig in the first place was purely cross-promotional.  They probably wanted to strengthen their ratings on PTI and maybe (just maybe) Monday Night Football.  Whoa!  That Tony Kornheiser!  He’s such a hoot! 

Well guess what Tony?  It didn’t work with me.  Since you got the gig, I haven’t watched one episode of PTI.  And if the Cable Television Household Universe consisted solely of my apartment, Monday Night Football would earn a rating of 0.0000 (that’s right, I carried out the decimals for effect).  MNF would be pulled and cancelled and replaced by Steve Sabol and NFL Films.  That’s right.  I’d rather watch Steve Sabol set up intros for old games narrated by the late Harry Kalas or John Facenda than listen to your pop culture dribble while an actual football game is being played.

And I’ll close this out with a personally offensive message to Michael Kay since the Yankees have been my favorite team in the Universe since I was a small child.  I sincerely wish that Danny Aiello was not your uncle.  I have a feeling he pulled some strings to get you your first big gig with the NY Daily News.  I can’t prove this, but I just have a gut feeling.  This is not to say you’re not a hard worker.  You clearly are.  You’ve just ruined my life in that I can’t watch the games I Iove without having to listen to you for almost 162 games a year.  There’s a reason you don’t have a girlfriend besides the big head that doesn’t fit your body.  (And that’s saying a lot since your 6’4”.)  The other reason you don’t have a girlfriend is because NO ONE CAN STAND YOUR PERSONALITY.  The reason no one can stand your personality is because YOU NEVER STOP TALKING.

I actually think you’re a good guy and on your radio show you can sometimes be funny.  But I haven’t listened to your radio show in over 10 months in protest of the way you announce games.  Just give it a try.  Just take my advice and use my earlier suggestions.  Just try to call the plays and let the experts like David Cone get loquacious. 

OH.  And I almost forgot.  STOP asking ex-players what it “felt like” to pitch a perfect game or to hit a homerun.  I DON’T CARE WHAT IT FELT LIKE.  When David Cone finished his perfect game I’m pretty sure he was happy.  Before the 9th inning I’m sure he was pretty nervous.  Either way it doesn’t matter.  You always end up coming off like a 12 year-old schoolboy or a grown up George Will – able to write wonderfully but not catch a ball. It’s beneath you Kay.  Act like a man.  You’re not Barbara Walters.  There’s 10% of me that can almost tolerate you.  So I’m giving you until the All-Star Break to change your announcing technique.  If it doesn’t happen, I’m going to have to evaluate next steps. I’ll most likely have to start following PBR or the WNBA.  At least they’ll stick to the subject.

Sincerely,
Vince Russo

If you would like to comment on this letter, Vince can be reached at vince.m.russo@gmail.com (please include your name and town).

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