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"A Letter To My Dog Jake"

This week’s letter is a little on the creative side.  The birth of my daughter is now imminent and my wife and I have been working diligently to get everything ready.  On the other hand, our dog Jake has absolutely no idea what’s going on.  We like to think that he has some idea… but he probably doesn’t.

I am hoping that the statute of limitations on ripping off the “Marley & Me” popularity craze has expired.  This week’s letter is to my dog Jake.

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Dear Jake,

Have a seat, pal… we gotta chat.  I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but over the past few months Mommy has grown this big, round belly.  You might find that strange.  I know she’s been eating a lot more than normal, but there’s more to it than that.  See Jake, mommy’s belly got bigger because there’s a little baby person in there – like the puppies we see in the park, but a person.   And some time in the next few weeks, that baby is going to come out.

The baby is going to be a girl, Jakey.  We already picked out her name – Samantha. You have probably already heard Daddy trying to talk to her through Mommy’s belly.

In the next few weeks there will be a day where Mom and I leave and when we come back, Samantha is going to come home with us.  She’s not going to be like other guests who come by for a few days and then go home.  She’s going to be living with us for good.

Unfortunately, when the baby arrives we’re going to have to make some changes in your behavior.  Don’t get nervous – I’m not saying that you’re a bad boy.  But I think over the last few months we’ve let you slide on a few things.

First off, let’s address the barking.  Every morning our newspaper delivery lady drops the Wall Street Journal at our doorstep, and every morning you charge the door barking holy hell as if the Wall Street Journal Lady was a mass murderer.  Jake, we appreciate your natural inclination to protect our home.  But if Samantha is sleeping and you wake her up because of the Wall Street Journal lady, you and I are going to have issues.

This is why when you bark in the morning I grab at your neck and make that “Shh” noise.  The Dog Whisperer told me that if I nipped your neck with my hand, I’d be asserting myself as “pack leader” like they do in the wild.  By doing that you would eventually learn to behave properly.  Unfortunately, I think you saw that episode too because it hasn’t been working.

Since we took you home almost a year ago, we have bought you countless toys.  Most of these toys have little squeakers in them or little rattles that make you excited.  These toys never seem to last very long because you usually rip them apart in some sort of canine quest to remove that little plastic squeaker.  Entering the room after you have mutilated some poor stuffed ducky or bunny, I often find their mutilated cottony innards scattered on the floor.  But hey, it’s your toy so you can do what you want with it.

What you did not know is that most of the toys we give you are made specifically for dogs.  Similarly, Samantha is going to have toys that are made specifically for babies.  Unfortunately, the difference between dog toys and baby toys is not always clear.  They often look quite similar.  Can you see where I’m going with this Jake?  The baby’s toys are not yours, and we would really like it if you left them alone.

There’s one more thing we need to talk about.  Whenever Mommy and I leave you home alone for a while, you always sit by the door until we return.  When we get back, you are always so excited to see us that you jump all over us.  Your paws often hit our faces as we bend down but we laugh and laugh because we think that it’s so cute that you could miss us so much.

What you don’t understand is that Mommy and I are much bigger than you and we are smart enough to prepare ourselves for your excited leaps.  Samantha will be smaller than you and unfortunately not as smart as Mommy and Daddy… at least not yet.  Believe it or not, for the first few months she may not even be as smart as you, Jakey!  I mean, no offense… but you are a dog.  When we bring the baby home, she won’t even be able to sit or fetch!  So you can imagine that she won’t be very well prepared to defend herself from your excitement.

If you decide to leap at the baby, you could knock her out of our arms or scratch her face with your claws.  I know you’ll be as excited to see her as you are to see us, but please use sound decision making while leaping.  I don’t want to have to start hip-checking you into the walls until you learn.

I think you’re going to be very happy when Samantha comes home.  You’re going to fall in love with her right away, Jake.  Some people have told us to be careful with the baby around you – because you might get jealous and hurt her somehow.  Do you believe people think that about you?  Neither do I.  I think you guys are going to get along great – and as she grows up, you’ll become best of friends.

I’m glad I got that off my chest, Jake.  I hope you understand how important you are to us and how we really don’t want to have to call the dogcatcher and put you in the pound.  Gotcha!  We’re not going to put you in the pound – I was just joking.  Let’s just work on the barking thing… and the toy thing… and the not jumping on us thing.  If you can get those down, then I’m going to train you how to fetch Daddy a beer.  You can have one too, Jakey.  I think we’re going to need a few with all these women in the house.

Love,

Daddy

If you would like to comment on this letter, Scott can be reached at info@aletteraweek.com (please include your name and town).

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